When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I love the National Park Service.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace