If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
c’mon!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.