GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope