Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.