Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
asking santa clause for nudes
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!