[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The “baby” on the left….
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.