please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You Might Also Like
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.