A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
This is why I hate group projects
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”