Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?