lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.