i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?