You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.