I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
😆this is so true
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong