Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.