I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time