Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
You Might Also Like
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.