The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
There is wisdom there.
Coffee is ready.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.