My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage