Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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The Friday File.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before