[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.