DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.