My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
War & Peace
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes