In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.