Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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D:
M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.