LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers