Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.