Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
You Might Also Like
I鈥檓 just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it鈥檚 one of the most nurturing relationships I鈥檝e ever had.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?