My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No