“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.