Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”