I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Leaving the Barbers like
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary