“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude