Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Go hard or stay average
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Lucky old June.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex