Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.