Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.