My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
This is what makes twitter great
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?