My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Practicing safe sax
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit