My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
How high do the levels go?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.