(after sex)
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Jogging
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
And bowling should be called pinball
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
#catsoftwitter
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets