[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.