I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees