I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Florida be like…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.