Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Sorry not sorry.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.