is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
is nasa ok
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans