FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Most fashion shows these days…
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
😜
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..