Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Breaking news:
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Banana is the quietest snack
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”