Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Interior design 👌
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”