Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine