*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean