My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying